Just To Write.

 

It was only 5:30 in the evening. ....still several hours to go before bedtime. I leaned over the small toy chest and buried my head in my arms.

"Mommmmmmy! What's wrong mommmmmmmy?" says my sweet little Z as he leans over and pets my head.

"I'm just praying buddy. Asking God to give me grace to pick myself up and keep moving."

"Oh, it's okay mommy. God is love, first John four eight." He says (repeating our verse for this month. How precious is that?!)

"Thanks buddy."

"You're welcome mommy," he says, as he wraps his arms around my legs......

 
It's these moments that I really feel God's grace. Straight from the heart of my child. It's really awesome.

I love being a mom. I mean, really love it. I will never forget being so young and dreaming of the day I would be a mommy. And I will never ever forget so many moments, so many years when B and I prayed together asking God to bless us with a family. I will never forget sitting in this very spot of our house listening to the deafening silence wishing I could hear the pitter-patter of little feet and little voices laughing and being called "mommy".

Now, almost three years and three kiddos later...it's A-MAZING to think there was another life before this one. Foreign, almost. Most days, I can only DREAM of a moment of silence, privacy when I go to the bathroom, laundry done, floors clean, no one yelling at me or crying when I dare to take a 2 minute shower, getting out the door WITHOUT a 3 hour ordeal in getting ready, only to discover your too late or you forgot a ba-zillion things anyway. BUT, it really is a beautiful life. Because there are these moments tucked in all the craziness that just....take your breath away. These little lives, human beings, that one day, all too soon, will be grown-ups managing their own lives, are truly a gift from God. And you realize that all of it, is grace. And you'd never experience it if you didn't have them. Their unconditional love, their need for you. It's all so...humbling and beautiful and my cup just overflows from the beauty of it all.

These days, the noisy, crazy life is filled with diapers, chew toys, balls, LOTS of balls, superhero costumes, dirt, slobber, spit-up, big boy underwear for one of the twins, running, lots of running by all members of our family, with the exception of baby boy who can now scoot backwards, rock on all fours and pull himself up on anything. And, our newest adventure, home school. The boys love to learn. Most days. We have school time when the morning craziness is over and right before the afternoon craziness begins. I like a structured sit-down lesson time, so we do that for one hour each day at least two days in a row. Sometimes, we take a day off and sometimes we have school in our jammies and sometimes, we only school for 15 minutes because the baby is fussing or because the twins prefer to run and wrestle. Yesterday, during our letter lesson, E said out of the blue, "I'm going to do jumping jacks!" And proceeded to stand up and do ten jumping jacks, then he sat back down and continued with his lesson. I simply smiled and gave him a high-five for counting to ten while exercising. That's the beauty of home school. My boys are free to learn the way they learn best.

Discipline has been our biggest challenge, I think. Because we have two preschoolers, the same age, but that's where the likeness ends. They are truly night and day and that requires some very delicate thinking and responding on our part a parents (who are night and day as well). It can be downright frustrating actually. ...We fail miserably time and time again... "I'm sorry" and Forgiveness live here. And we try try and try again. So our boys will know all about forgiveness. Thank God for that.

Our children are all very different but they clearly share a special bond. Even baby boy seems to have been welcomed into "the circle". They can all look at each other and laugh, as though they share a special secret. It's awesome. There it is again. Grace. My breath catches; my heart skips a beat, melting just a bit.
 

E: Those green eyes lidded by mile-long lashes, those blond curly locks, those red curvy lips. My beautiful, bossy, meticulous, loud, dancing, rock star, with the flawless memory, independent, running, jumping, tunnel-building, rescue-hero, story-telling, loves to travel, hands-in-the-dirt, bug-squishing, can't.stand.loud.noises, hates.when.you.leave., wants to be five, loves to pretend, will talk you under the table, but a great listener as long as he can take a quick break for jumping jacks, rambunctious, all-boy, boy. My sweet Eli-pudding-pie.

Z: Those big brown eyes, flared lashes, that sweet cheeky smile, golden halo hair, summer sun-skin. My oh.so.smart, a pistol, wearing his heart.on.his.sleeve, carrying his emotions wherever he goes, knows.no.stranger, hugs freely, always helping, always loving, running, baseball.basketball. playing, has an arm of steel that can wing a Frisbee, football, and baseball perfectly, loves to learn, but can't stay quiet long enough through a book, master of scissors and crayons, always ready for school, loves a good adventure and short stories, can throw a mighty tantrum, silly-face-making, sweet, tender boy. My Zekall-bo-bekall.

I: Those big brown eyes, those brown curly locks, those mile-long legs. Mini-BJ through and through. I look at him and see my precious husband as a little boy. He's big, he's tough and ready to run with the big boys. Learning day-by-day, this guy is going to be one tough and smart cookie. I imagine he will be quite the entertainer. Just like daddy. His love for his big brothers shines bright. He clearly can't wait to hang with them. My precious "Baby BoBo" or Little B.

Today I rode down a hill in a wagon with my two boys. It was fun...hilarious really. The shrills of laughter coming from them made my heart swell. And to hear E say "THAT.WAS.AWESOME!", just made my day. Of course I was the one saying, "LETS DO THAT AGAIN!". It's so much fun having fun with them. Carefree. That's grace. Again. Thank you God.

 This life is nuts. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to crawl in a corner and cry or bang my head on the wall or just walk to my room and fall on the bed and sleep and forget. Oh yes, that happens. A lot. But those moments are fleeting and time is short and love abounds and grace showers just at that moment right before you actually do lose your mind (well, if you know and love Jesus, otherwise, I don't know what happens during that time). Then you move on. Reminding yourself (I hope) that little eyes are watching and ears are listening. And little ones are imitating and repeating. And they're growing up so quickly and they're really going to be just like you or least a big part of them will. And you want to get this ONE chance right.

 
...Laundry is piled high, dust flutters through the sunbeams that welcome me with the sunrise and warm me at sunset. Dishes sometimes don't get washed and most days there are piles of crayon-colored pages lying around. There are days I feel I am living in a perpetual mess and we play outside or beg for a play date just to avoid it. But, there are these days (or nights), when I put on my cape and fly through cleaning and clearing out. But, I'm not superwoman. I'm just living the blessed life loving my family. Trying, learning, day-by-day to live in thanks giving, because His grace is there, it really is sufficient, and all really is well.