That day I thought I was going to break. Right there, in the middle of my kitchen.
After a wild day, and while the baby napped, the twins had just spent forty-five minutes playing with play-dough. It was everywhere. Little colorful crumbs all over the floor, clumps of swirly doughy stuff were all over the table, on the chairs, even in their hair. It was time to clean up and little boy eyes looked at me all wild and crazy, "NO MOMMY!"
"We're too tired! We can't clean this up!"
...this was a day full of disobedience, backtalk, boys arguing, fighting, yelling....
They scattered. I yelled. And then it happened.
I fell to my knees. I cracked. I cried. I was so done with all this craziness. I felt...so...
broken. I sat there on the floor, back against the wall, in the midst of all this crumbly mess and cried and cried.
It had been such a bad week. This, after the death of a friend, the death of a family member, sickness and struggles in our family and being cooped up in this house for what seemed to be the
longest winter ever.
In this moment, when my mind was racing, my heart broken, my feet ready to sprint
anywhere but here, I couldn't even say the word, "Jesus". I couldn't speak to my Savior, my friend. I was ashamed and burdened. The weight of it all took my breath away. Five minutes seemed like eternity. And then...
This man, my man, whom God blessed me with while I was still just a kid, walked through the door. He was home from his own long day. He took one look at me..."Are you okay?"
It was all I could to shake my head no. In a voice I no longer recognized, "I.Cannot.Do.This."
...sobbing...
These strong arms gathered me up, wiped my tears and said, "Go. Get a coffee and go for a drive.
Breathe Kim. I love you. Just go. And then come back to us."
And I went.
A few miles down the road, I pulled over and sobbed. Gasping and crying. Ashamed. Heartbroken. Weary. I yelled. I cried out.
Getting that out...it felt good. And finally, the words came. "God! Help me!"
I drove. I asked for guidance. I asked for wisdom. I asked for rest.
A voice on the radio spoke about how if we're honest, we all have these dark moments in our life when the burdens seem too much, too heavy. I nodded in agreement. Yes.
I shuttered to think what I would do if I didn't have my Savior. And I called out to Him again.
And then...memories flooded...I remembered back to days earlier in my life. All those days praying for and preparing for this. Being saved. Being a wife. Being a mommy.
Believing that even when it seemed so impossible, God had truly created me for all this.
So why do I keep falling apart?
....
"When we take our eyes off of Christ all the flaws start to show."
I am caregiver, teacher, preacher, house keeper, cook, nurse,
wife... all these things and if I fail, I fail
them. And some days, I only want to be me. But who is that? Who am I? And when do I have time to think on that? And when do I have time to breathe? And when can I....I...I...me. Me. Me.
That is when I fall apart. I end up back
here.
"Oh(!), the joys of those who trust in the LORD" Psalm 40:4
"Jesus replied, "This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and faith in His Messenger]" John 6:29
...I gave up ME long ago. For HIM. And to be for them.
-
This is my daily work, the work God asks of me? The work I shirk. To trust in the Son, to trust in the wisdom of this moment, to trust in now. And trust is: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurances, not spooked by the spectors looming ahead.
Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?"
Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts
I arrive at this place where weariness and selfishness collide. Three little ones and even this man; they wear me down. Most of the time, I take them too seriously. I get impatient. I get frustrated because they don't understand and I have these
expectations that they could never meet.
Why do I do that?
"I stop the spinning thoughts, the probing questions, the hands sorting, the laundry work,
because God needs
knees more than hands."
"His power is made perfect in my weakness (!)." 2Corinthians 12:10
There are so many forces working against us. As mothers, wives, individuals. Many of the day-to-day things we
do or have, those very things, may be a force to destroy us.
And we need to be aware. And on guard.
"We must notice fast when the enemy is working and RUN for Jesus quickly...
We do not have time for these interruptions by the enemy, we have work to accomplish for Christ. We want more of Him and less of us!"
"Let us not grow weary in doing good for at the right time we WILL reap a harvest IF we don't give up." - The Apostle Paul (Mom Heart online)
These days are wild, yet fleeting. It is NORMAL to have bad days. Sometimes, several in a row. But we MUST NEVER EVER lose sight of the end goal. Heaven. For ourselves and our families.
Hormones, tantrums (ours and theirs!), tragedies, mistakes, finances, the weather...all these things trip us up and can
temporarily bring us down, but it should be DOWN ON OUR KNEES, not down in the dumps!
"Progress. Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again - and again. Just make sure you are moving the line forward. MOVE FORWARD. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. then change will come. And it will be good. - Unglued - Lysa TerKeurst
We spend so much of our time filling others, doing for others; some of us, just fulfilling every basic human need for these little ones; i.e., wiping noses, changing diapers, dressing and teaching little ones. That alone can be exhausting. It is EASY to become empty. By end of day, we are wiped out, drained,completely running on fumes, if that.
"When you are oppressed with constant thoughts of your inadequacy, recognize the voice of accusation for who it is. It certainly isn't God." - Sally Clarkson, The Mom Walk
Those are the moments we need to
dig in and press into God. NOT GIVE UP, NOT crawl into bed completely deflated. (I am not implying you don't need rest!) But, rest in HIM, first!
AND THEN, rest easy.
Following, by
beginning your days with Him.
Whenever you can. And don't be so hard on yourself when you can't.
I get into this groove, where I will wake up at 6:30 and have an hour or longer to spend in God's Word and it's AWESOME. Then, there are these days when baby boy decides to wake up at 6am and I feel completely lost without my time with God. (But let's be honest, that was
my plan,
my expectation that went out the door!) It's easy to feel like those days are crazy-out-of-control-days. But instead of despairing, I can CHOOSE to rejoice.
I must CHOOSE to be grace-full, mercy-full, rejoice-full. Because those are still days I have been given, blessed with.
And little eyes are watching.
Thanksgiving.
"Will you live today like grace has connected your life to something vastly bigger than the hopes and dreams of this little moment?" - Paul David Tripp
Writing out a list of thanks EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
Have you tried it? What are you waiting for? What could possibly be wrong about noting every good thing we encounter in our days? Our lives should sum up to this: thanks to God, our Creator, our Father in Heaven, who loves us with an everlasting love. This God who has truly surrounded us with such breathtaking beauty; He longs for us to just enjoy it!
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek:...all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple." Psalm 27:4
"Faith is the gaze of the soul and I want to see in. So I can enter in."
489. Watching the sunset.
490. Thinking about Jesus.
491. Listening to my guys watch a basketball game.
492. Playing baseball with my boys.
493. All three boys swinging outside. Laughter.
494. Dancing in the kitchen with the love of my life.
495. Jesus.Paid.It.All.
496. Church friends. The love. The smiles. The hugs. The Support.
497. Easter dinner with family.
498. A family member healing. Finally. God is good!
499. That bird feeder. The cheerful singing and chatter over their breakfast.
I cannot, will not, do this life without Jesus. And to give Him thanks, only heightens the joy that He has brought into my life.
"
God's love for you is the GREAT ETERNAL constant in the midst of all the inconsistencies of your daily walk." - Rich in Blessings
Be blessed mommas. You may be bent, but God! He will not let you break! Hold on!
Trust in Him. YOU WILL NOT BREAK.
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death. ~Psalm 68:19-20
PRAISE BE TO GOD!
Until next time.
