Brave Face.

I've been a mama for four years and 246 days.  Over the years;

..."So, do you consider yourself a warrior?" he asked.
I paused a moment as an indescribable image went through my mind. "Yes. Yes I do." I replied.
He lifted his head and looked me straight in the eye, "Momma warrior." Original Post; Warrior


"I am so thankful for hanging in there. For bravery. For not giving in when I so wanted to. This wasn't the first time and it surely won't be the last. Each time, I am a little bit braver, a little bit stronger. And I am grateful for God's help through it all" Original Post; Thank-full; Bravery

"We are in the trenches, moms. It's hard. We are raising the next generation of world changers. Let's not be embarrassed or afraid to say I'm struggling with anger. I'm sad and weary. I need more of Jesus and don't know where to start.  It's okay to admit we are weak. That's when He is strong. It's okay to need help." -blogged by Redeemed (read the full post, Perfect, here) Original Post; Trenches

"It's been 16 days since I became a mother of 3. I've gone from glowing proud momma to hormonal weepy momma to grouchy exhausted momma and back. Daily."  Original Post; Mother-Over-Load

"... Little people learning their way, attitudes, likes/dislikes, all very different from each other. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out trying to decipher small talk and discipline, for each child is very different. It's not unusual to find myself near tears by mid-day. Feeling defeated, wondering what to do next. Each step in my day is a lesson and example to little eyes and ears; I attempt to tread carefully. But, sometimes, my shaky knees cause me to fall. I want to melt right into the floor, become invisible. Instead, I pick myself up, deep breath in, a quick prayer, and forgiveness is sought. Start over. Again..." Original Post; On Shaking Knees 

"...More than a few hundred times over the past 9 months one thought has dawned on me over and over again; my children need me. And I need Jesus, now more than ever. I have never, ever, felt so...depended on. It's utterly...exhausting. And beautiful. Beautifully exhausting."  Original Post; Substance and Kisses

(written when the twins were one month old) "...A month already. Words almost cannot describe life in the past month. Words like blessings, journey, adventure, anxiety, pressure, faith, exhaustion come to mind. All in one big bundle. Make that two...our two boys. It's been amazing. Being a parent is no easy feat. And when people ask me questions like, "Aren't you so in love?", "Isn't this the most wonderful thing?", etc., I cannot help but think, "Are you crazy!?!?"...   Original Post; One-Month

(written while pregnant with the twins, our first babies) "...With all the time on my hands lately, I think about this change to come often. I won't lie, there have been some days when it scared me. These days, I just look it in the eye and take my position; I am ready.
I reminded myself some time ago that God gave us this gift, this mission. And He has NEVER given us anything we cannot handle without Him. Ever since BJ and I were married, God has been the third strand in our cord of love/life. As long as that third strand is there, we cannot be broken, not as a couple and not as parents.So bring on the change"  Original Post; Change

  
 These days are hard.

H-A-R-D.
I miss the littlest days. The baby days. I miss having a baby and two toddlers. Those days were the easy days. I fed them, changed them, played with them and held them. That was it. Every day. Sometimes, they all cried and that was tough, but I just had to hold them or bounce them around a bit or make funny faces and noises. Sometimes, we went places and I had major anxiety until we arrived safely back home. BUT, those were the easy days. (for me, so far, anyway.)




But now. NOW they talk and have personality and reason and argue and have opinions. AND wow! I feel so...outnumbered. Each kiddo is different. Different needs, different likes, different sizes, different triggers, different. different. different. And, it.just.keeps.changing.
(Lions and tigers and bears! OH MY!)

I have inherited their natural ADD and then there's hormones. So, I have my own issues.

And now, we're homeschooling. Three little ones in PreK. 
Really, that's an entire post on it's own; stay tuned, I'm working on that!
Homeschooling is awesome. And crazy. And fun. Awesome crazy fun.  When it's not fun, we take a break, because seriously, they're two and four. Learning SHOULD be fun.

And terrible-twos. That's (not) fun. THAT seems to only get more fierce as we get to the terrifying-threes. Cause it's not enough to get to the fight-for-our-freedom-fives as we grow out of the fidgety-fickle-fours.

The days are emotional, dramatic. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Fighting, friendships, up and down, down and up.
And don't even get me started on bedtime.
Or nighttime. You know, that time between 2am and 4am when a certain little guy decides to scream "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!"
Because of any number of reasons like;
[Me as I drowsily walk fall up the steps (do you know how dangerous this is in the dark, half asleep?)]: "What kiddo? Are you sick? Did you have an accident?"
Him: "I just missed you mommy." (Aww, that's sweet, but seriously kid, I WAS SLEEPING.),

"He (pointing to brother) is looking at me."
Me: "Really, kiddo? He's ASLEEP."
Kiddo: "Well, his eyes are p o i n t e d at me..."

(the classic) "I'm scared.",

(okay, allergy season) "I'm all itchy."

(sniff-sniff) "I can't smell. MOMMY! I can't smell!" (allergy season, I think.)

"I don't want to sleep right now. Can I just watch TV?" (UM, no.)

and the latest baffling excuse,
"Mommy, my toe is tickly!!" (What in the world?! Fine kiddo, just come sleep downstairs. To which said kid falls fast asleep on couch while I am now wide awake and consumed by my thoughts.)

These days. {In case you were wondering.}

This is a season. Dare I say, a mostly ugly one?  

There are these crazy good moments. Moments that take my breath away and squeeze my mama heart. THANK GOD. Many other moments have me begging God to just let us move on to the next season; one that is much more enjoyable, much more comfortable. 

  But time after time, I am reminded that THESE ARE THE DAYS to hold onto. THESE ARE THE DAYS to grasp and smile and grab my camera and document as much as possible.
And hold these little fidgety, moody, loud, dirty, beautiful, little boys.

THESE ARE THE DAYS.

Because talk to any mama who has watched her grown boy (or girl) walk out the door into their own grown-up life, and she'll tell you; "I'd give almost anything to have those little years back."

"THE DAYS ARE LONG, BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT."

By the grace of God, I am holding on. I pray for these little ones every day. I pray that in this  ugly-beautiful season (and those to come) that grace would overflow from my heart; to them, for them, through them.

It’s what we call the ugly-beautiful… d’un beau affreux. 

What the impressionist painter, Paul Gauguin, encapsulated as, “Le laid peut-etre beau…” 

Translation: The ugly can be beautiful….[A.Voskamp, A Holy Experience]

And This is how. 

     Every morning, I rise, I kiss the man and wave good-bye. I race the sun. To make my place and greet her as she rises. A new day, like a new gift. And Jesus. He meets me there. His Word fills me and tells me of great wonders. And like a warrior, I put on my brave face. I prepare to greet these precious lives with hope and joy. Whether it's received well or not, no matter the ugly-beautiful the day may bring, God's grace always brings us together again at close of day. 

Mercy. Forgiveness. Love. Each day, in every season.

 

"If you don’t fight for joy, it’s your children who lose.

What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?

You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy.

The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith."

Ann Voskamp