Twenty Sixteen and Midyear Ramblings.

At the beginning of the year, as I have in the past two years, I pondered a word for our family. In place of resolutions or goals that would be too quickly forgotten, I choose a word to focus on for the year. This year, it took much longer and by February, I was somewhat discouraged. I prayed on it, wrote about it, and prayed some more. One morning, as I read in the Bible, this verse stuck out; "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." Matt. 5:9
and yet another one,
"Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness." James 3:18

That's it! Peacemakers. That's our word! But, I thought, "What exactly does that mean? What does that even look like? ...

The year moved steadily on. We meandered through Winter, celebrated Spring, sulked at Winter's comeback and rejoiced at Summer's grand opening.

We survived basketball season, "flumageddon" after nine days straight, a new job position for the man and a shaky, somewhat blurred-lined end of school year.

Summertime has been glorious with it's bursting colors, flourishing gardens, striking sunrises, warm breezes and wild rompings. There are baby animals, including six new chicks for our flock, toads, worms and plenty of bugs to study and sometimes run from. The mornings are slow and the days are long. There are days of swimming, eating fresh foods and lots of popsicles, porch-swinging and racing through the dandelion fluff. Some days, there are naps and more often than not, dinner includes a movie. We read lots of books and paint outside. And soon, there will be a new play house; I can only imagine the hours of imaginative play that will take place there!

It's been a time of personal reflection and growth not only for myself, but each of us. Even my boys, who are growing and becoming more independent (and deeper!) thinkers, seem to have recognized in their own ways, that life is precious and fleeting.

It's been a time of slowing down for our family.

Slow seems a fitting word and I find myself using it more and more when describing our days. Oxford Dictionary defines slow as "moving or operating, or designed to do so, only at a low speed; not quick or fast."
But, as I ponder it more and more, it seems to fit well with Peace; Oxford defines the word as "freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility..."
and yet another word that has been my heart more of late, Preservation. Oxford defines the word as "the action of preserving something"
and "the state of being preserved, especially to a specified degree"

So, three words? Perhaps. But each leads to peace. And for my family, peace has been good for our minds, bodies and souls. Peace leads to joy! With the state of everything these days, family preservation is vital, yet seems nearly lost. To the world, it's absurd, almost unheard of. But in God's kingdom; in faith, and even in human spirit, family is precious, like gold. So as for me and my house, we have slowed down, we are keeping peace and preserving our family.

"If you want to change the world, go home and love your family." - Mother Teresa

A final thought; Time always bring change.

A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:2-8

There will always be change. And we have lots to look forward to. The twins will be in their second year of school and the littlest is excited to join us in community and lessons this Fall. There will be a family trip and soccer season and then holidays and birthdays.  "Busy" will come to us again soon enough. But for now, we are resting and enjoying every delicious moment we can. 

These days.

Truly; 

"The days are long, but the years are short." 

And it's been quite a year. 

 BRAVE is our family word for 2015. I remember writing about that and how excited we were to start a brand new year. 

Have we been brave? Most definitely! 

[I have three boys. Brave should be their middle names!  But, seriously. It's been a year of...brave shifting.]

We are in a season of busyness. That is something we are NOT accustomed to. We have always been a laid-back, go-with-the-flow bunch, so this business of schedules and plans and places to be on a weekly basis? A-D-J-U-S-T-M-E-N-T. 

The twins are playing soccer; their very first organized sport. It's been fun and they do a great job! Mostly, they have fun, especially since they are on separate teams and get to play against each other. They have fun encouraging each other's team and every now and then a pat on the back or a quick sideline pep talk. 

All three boys attend AWANA. This is another new, wonderful experience as they work on tucking God's Word in their hearts with new friends every week. 

The twins are officially Kindergartners!!

We started our first day of (home)school August 24th.  We are currently in our fourth week with our Classical Conversations community. (Click here to find out more about Classical Conversations.)

It's such a blessing to get to learn right along with these guys. My only problem? Keeping up with them! They learn so much so fast, it blows.my.mind! These guys are really amazing. I am so proud of them...all three of them! Even baby boy is catching on quickly. We have fun days and we have hard days. BUT, even at the end of the hard days, lessons are learned and love abounds. And I could not be more thankful. 

Once again, it's Fall! 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this time of year! The crunchy colorful leaves, the flowers put on their Fall display, pumpkins!!, cool mornings, warm bright days with NO humidity, bonfires, apple-picking, hayrides, apple cider, all things pumpkin-spice!, and school field trips! 

As we enter this new season, our hearts are overflowing with thanksgiving for all that God has given us this year. 

While there has been heartache, there has also been blessing.

Brave Face.

I've been a mama for four years and 246 days.  Over the years;

..."So, do you consider yourself a warrior?" he asked.
I paused a moment as an indescribable image went through my mind. "Yes. Yes I do." I replied.
He lifted his head and looked me straight in the eye, "Momma warrior." Original Post; Warrior


"I am so thankful for hanging in there. For bravery. For not giving in when I so wanted to. This wasn't the first time and it surely won't be the last. Each time, I am a little bit braver, a little bit stronger. And I am grateful for God's help through it all" Original Post; Thank-full; Bravery

"We are in the trenches, moms. It's hard. We are raising the next generation of world changers. Let's not be embarrassed or afraid to say I'm struggling with anger. I'm sad and weary. I need more of Jesus and don't know where to start.  It's okay to admit we are weak. That's when He is strong. It's okay to need help." -blogged by Redeemed (read the full post, Perfect, here) Original Post; Trenches

"It's been 16 days since I became a mother of 3. I've gone from glowing proud momma to hormonal weepy momma to grouchy exhausted momma and back. Daily."  Original Post; Mother-Over-Load

"... Little people learning their way, attitudes, likes/dislikes, all very different from each other. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out trying to decipher small talk and discipline, for each child is very different. It's not unusual to find myself near tears by mid-day. Feeling defeated, wondering what to do next. Each step in my day is a lesson and example to little eyes and ears; I attempt to tread carefully. But, sometimes, my shaky knees cause me to fall. I want to melt right into the floor, become invisible. Instead, I pick myself up, deep breath in, a quick prayer, and forgiveness is sought. Start over. Again..." Original Post; On Shaking Knees 

"...More than a few hundred times over the past 9 months one thought has dawned on me over and over again; my children need me. And I need Jesus, now more than ever. I have never, ever, felt so...depended on. It's utterly...exhausting. And beautiful. Beautifully exhausting."  Original Post; Substance and Kisses

(written when the twins were one month old) "...A month already. Words almost cannot describe life in the past month. Words like blessings, journey, adventure, anxiety, pressure, faith, exhaustion come to mind. All in one big bundle. Make that two...our two boys. It's been amazing. Being a parent is no easy feat. And when people ask me questions like, "Aren't you so in love?", "Isn't this the most wonderful thing?", etc., I cannot help but think, "Are you crazy!?!?"...   Original Post; One-Month

(written while pregnant with the twins, our first babies) "...With all the time on my hands lately, I think about this change to come often. I won't lie, there have been some days when it scared me. These days, I just look it in the eye and take my position; I am ready.
I reminded myself some time ago that God gave us this gift, this mission. And He has NEVER given us anything we cannot handle without Him. Ever since BJ and I were married, God has been the third strand in our cord of love/life. As long as that third strand is there, we cannot be broken, not as a couple and not as parents.So bring on the change"  Original Post; Change

  
 These days are hard.

H-A-R-D.
I miss the littlest days. The baby days. I miss having a baby and two toddlers. Those days were the easy days. I fed them, changed them, played with them and held them. That was it. Every day. Sometimes, they all cried and that was tough, but I just had to hold them or bounce them around a bit or make funny faces and noises. Sometimes, we went places and I had major anxiety until we arrived safely back home. BUT, those were the easy days. (for me, so far, anyway.)




But now. NOW they talk and have personality and reason and argue and have opinions. AND wow! I feel so...outnumbered. Each kiddo is different. Different needs, different likes, different sizes, different triggers, different. different. different. And, it.just.keeps.changing.
(Lions and tigers and bears! OH MY!)

I have inherited their natural ADD and then there's hormones. So, I have my own issues.

And now, we're homeschooling. Three little ones in PreK. 
Really, that's an entire post on it's own; stay tuned, I'm working on that!
Homeschooling is awesome. And crazy. And fun. Awesome crazy fun.  When it's not fun, we take a break, because seriously, they're two and four. Learning SHOULD be fun.

And terrible-twos. That's (not) fun. THAT seems to only get more fierce as we get to the terrifying-threes. Cause it's not enough to get to the fight-for-our-freedom-fives as we grow out of the fidgety-fickle-fours.

The days are emotional, dramatic. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. Fighting, friendships, up and down, down and up.
And don't even get me started on bedtime.
Or nighttime. You know, that time between 2am and 4am when a certain little guy decides to scream "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY!"
Because of any number of reasons like;
[Me as I drowsily walk fall up the steps (do you know how dangerous this is in the dark, half asleep?)]: "What kiddo? Are you sick? Did you have an accident?"
Him: "I just missed you mommy." (Aww, that's sweet, but seriously kid, I WAS SLEEPING.),

"He (pointing to brother) is looking at me."
Me: "Really, kiddo? He's ASLEEP."
Kiddo: "Well, his eyes are p o i n t e d at me..."

(the classic) "I'm scared.",

(okay, allergy season) "I'm all itchy."

(sniff-sniff) "I can't smell. MOMMY! I can't smell!" (allergy season, I think.)

"I don't want to sleep right now. Can I just watch TV?" (UM, no.)

and the latest baffling excuse,
"Mommy, my toe is tickly!!" (What in the world?! Fine kiddo, just come sleep downstairs. To which said kid falls fast asleep on couch while I am now wide awake and consumed by my thoughts.)

These days. {In case you were wondering.}

This is a season. Dare I say, a mostly ugly one?  

There are these crazy good moments. Moments that take my breath away and squeeze my mama heart. THANK GOD. Many other moments have me begging God to just let us move on to the next season; one that is much more enjoyable, much more comfortable. 

  But time after time, I am reminded that THESE ARE THE DAYS to hold onto. THESE ARE THE DAYS to grasp and smile and grab my camera and document as much as possible.
And hold these little fidgety, moody, loud, dirty, beautiful, little boys.

THESE ARE THE DAYS.

Because talk to any mama who has watched her grown boy (or girl) walk out the door into their own grown-up life, and she'll tell you; "I'd give almost anything to have those little years back."

"THE DAYS ARE LONG, BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT."

By the grace of God, I am holding on. I pray for these little ones every day. I pray that in this  ugly-beautiful season (and those to come) that grace would overflow from my heart; to them, for them, through them.

It’s what we call the ugly-beautiful… d’un beau affreux. 

What the impressionist painter, Paul Gauguin, encapsulated as, “Le laid peut-etre beau…” 

Translation: The ugly can be beautiful….[A.Voskamp, A Holy Experience]

And This is how. 

     Every morning, I rise, I kiss the man and wave good-bye. I race the sun. To make my place and greet her as she rises. A new day, like a new gift. And Jesus. He meets me there. His Word fills me and tells me of great wonders. And like a warrior, I put on my brave face. I prepare to greet these precious lives with hope and joy. Whether it's received well or not, no matter the ugly-beautiful the day may bring, God's grace always brings us together again at close of day. 

Mercy. Forgiveness. Love. Each day, in every season.

 

"If you don’t fight for joy, it’s your children who lose.

What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?

You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy.

The joy of the Lord is your strength and the person of Christ is your unassailable joy – and the battle for joy is nothing less than fighting the good fight of faith."

Ann Voskamp

 

Let Us Dance.

 

We are a dancing family. I think we dance more in the kitchen than anything else. Other than maybe singing. We sing a lot too. It just feels good. It lifts the spirits. It turns frowns upside down. It creates distraction. (You know, like, when you have three little ones crying or shouting so much that they can't hear you even if you tried?) It creates laughter. Lots and lots of laughter!
Dancing is sometimes the best medicine.
So the other day when my sweet little introvert Z said to me (while the rest of us were dancing) "I'm too scared to dance mommy."
"Why is that, kiddo?", I asked him.
"Because people might laugh at me." He said quietly.
(people? what people?)
Yikes. We laugh a lot in our house. Especially while dancing. It never occurred to me that one might think we were laughing at them. But immediately, my own introvert self understood.
"Kiddo. Dancing should be fun. Dancing should be silly and wild and make people laugh. You can't mess it up buddy. If someone laughs at you, maybe they need to dance, too. Laugh back and tell them to try it. Then, spin around and just keep dancing."
He smiled big and joined us for a bit. We danced like silly goons all around the house until we fell to the floor laughing.
.....


The other day I witnessed this:

That is my precious husband dancing with Z. My heart melted all over the place when I walked out and saw them dancing together.

.....
It seems like such a simple thing. And, I suppose really it is. But that's the beauty of it. Something so simple can be so profound.

Life is short. Don't forget to dance.      

And don't worry about who's watching.

Thank-Full; Bravery.

Last night was rough. And the turning of a page in our life.

The boys had their first dental appointment yesterday. They were so brave and did such a great job. Watching them in the dentist chair from a distance, listening to them chatting with hygienist like big kids. It was just another bittersweet momma moment. I was so proud of them. And then, we had a chat with the Doctor. "Do they have a habit?" He asked. He was referring to thumb-sucking.
"No. They use pacifiers. [cue the shocked looks] But only when they sleep and we're throwing them out when they turn 4 in a couple of months."
"They really need to go." ("Please tell them that, Doc." He did.)

So, last night, E said, "I'm ready to be a big boy, let's throw away my paci"

We weren't really prepared to do that just then. But, we went with it. I grabbed a jar and told the boys to leave their pacifiers for the "Paci Fairy". (That was the first creative idea that came to mind at that moment!)
So they did it. I could not believe it.

Low and behold, when it was time to turn out the lights, E cried. "But, I need my paci mommy! What will I put in my mouth?"
"Kiddo, try holding your bear or your lamb. Or cuddle up with Captain America. It will be fine, I promise."
After a short debate over nightlights and star lights, etc., all was quiet and they went to sleep rather quickly.

Around 2am, Z was crying, loudly, for his paci. It was awful. I tried consoling him. I told him the paci fairy had already come and the pacifiers were gone.
"I don't want anything else mommy! I don't want Christmas presents or a birthday party, you can have all my clothes, I don't need anything! Please give me my paci mommy!" Sobs, cries, gasps.

The death of the paci.
[It may seem silly to some, but for my boys, who have used a paci since birth, it's a loss. Loss of a comfort, loss of a habit. And it happened cold turkey. That's tough stuff! Especially for a three year old.]

I was heartbroken for him. I felt so torn. I was tired, I was worried the others boys would wake up, I wanted this moment to end. But, turning back now would only make it tougher later. Turning back now would actually be more harmful than helpful. I had to be strong. I had to help him get through this.
It got worse. Z had himself in such a "tizzy" that he was scratching. A lot. Hives were forming. I was starting to panic myself. "Help me God!" I just started praying for Z, for us, for help.
I gave him some medicine for the itching and put an ice pack on his legs. We laid down on the couch  and watched a little television. I just kept praying. I rubbed his back. I told him softly, over and over again we would get through this.

Eventually, this precious boy fell back to sleep. He woke up a couple more times, but we did it.

We made it through night one without pacifiers (for the big boys, that is.)

I am so thankful for hanging in there. For bravery. For not giving in when I so wanted to. This wasn't the first time and it surely won't be the last. Each time, I am a little bit braver, a little bit stronger. And I am grateful for God's help through it all.

The night came and went.

This morning, the boys woke up without saying much about the pacifiers. But I did go ahead and show them the money that the "paci fairy" left them. They're pretty excited.

 I'm not sure how tonight will go, but we will get through it. We will be brave and strong and we will all be better for it.